“You have to learn to take rejection not as an indication of personal failing but as a wrong address.” ~ Ray Bradbury
Even when we’re not asking an entity from the great gods of publishing to judge and dissect our work to give us outside proof of its worthiness, when we share our writing, the stakes can be significant. In fact, when your best friend doesn’t like something you’ve written, it can feel much worse than a journal rejection. Because even when the people you love are trying to be diplomatic, you can usually sense their ambivalence in their tone, or the way they might hem and haw as they try to figure out a nice thing to say, or when they ask you an off-topic question that demonstrates beyond the shadow of a doubt that they just didn’t get what your story or poem means to you (and what you think it should mean to them). Or they don’t know what to say so they focus on the grammar: Are you sure “its” shouldn’t have an apostrophe here?
So, what to do?
The urge to share what we write can be compelling. Sharing is what connects us. We write because we want to be heard, validated, acknowledged. While it’s a purely personal decision to decide when, with whom, and how to share, here are some suggestions to share in a way that both enhances and protects our vulnerability.
Be true to yourself about WHEN you want to share: There are many times I want to take myself and my writing to some snowy inn on top of a mountain and sit with it by a fireplace at a candlelit table for one. And this is a perfectly fine choice, whether you do it literally or metaphorically, especially for writing that still zings in its its newness and rawness. I find that I don’t necessarily need outside validation for every word that leaks out of my pen or pours out of my keyboarding fingers. Often the catharsis of dealing with a difficult emotional subject or finding the right words to capture a joyful moment, or a knotty character revelation can be its own reward.
Be discerning about WHO you share your writing with: Chances are, your soulmate in love and life will not be your best writing/sharing buddy (though I know some lucky few soulmate pairs that defy these odds). And words from your soulmate, your parent, your child, your best friend, all of whom know you too well and in too many other contexts carry much more weight than comments from people who know you less well, or those who know you only in a writing context. I could write a very long book that had nothing in it but annoying things people I love have said to me about my writing. And while I can’t ban all these stinging nettles from my memory, as I know I should, I do my best to consign unhelpful comments to their own little corner of my mental closet.
Be Clear About Exactly WHAT Feedback You Want: Especially with those you love–and even more so if they are not writers–ask them to tell you some things they liked about your writing–an image, a description, a funny moment. If you’re ready to hear their more constructive feedback, ask them to frame it as something they were confused about or didn’t understand, rather than giving you a prescriptive way of how to “fix it.” These can be helpful guidelines in a writing group, as well. However, if you are open to prescriptive suggestions, especially from other writers who likely have more experience than your friend-set in solving writing issues, be sure to consider any suggestions as a possible exploration that can get you closer to your own path, rather than as a “must do.”
Happy sharing!
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